Someone once said “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.” I have been pushing the “Up” button for the past year not to go to heaven (I am not that optimist!) but rather to access a more “peaceful” place: my office.

When we moved to the twelfth floor, our biggest concern was the power cut. I wasn’t quite a fan of being stuck in the elevator with five sweating men– unless these were Jude Law, Georges Clooney, Johnny Depp, Jim Caviezel and Brad Pitt! And I wasn’t a fan of using the stairs either… (not a fan of sweat, I already said that) My claustrophobia soon disappeared. I never sought a therapist’s help. It came naturally.

It all started when I decided to watch other riders to overcome my fear and divert my mind. What I was about to discover, is no secret to anyone: Although elevator’s etiquette does exist, and we all have it in the back of our minds, Lebanese people still master the art of twisting and breaching all etiquettes. This is our way to say to the world how special we are (Maybe the Ministry of Tourism would want to add this line to their ads about Lebanon; Apart from the four seasons and the fact that you can ski in Faraya and lie on the beach 20 minutes later with your Almaza, Lebanon’s exceptionality lies in the originality of it people).

 

As soon as I parked my car, I rushed into the building. There was a girl standing in front of the three elevators, looking annoyed… I would be annoyed as well if I had to wait for the elevator for ten minutes… Only if I had PUSHED THE CALL BUTTON! (You know these arrow shaped buttons that indicate the direction??? Does this ring a bell?)

 

Rule #1: If you want to go up, do you really have to push the button?

 

So, I hurried to push the button when a handsome man arrived. Ignoring the fact that the call button was already lit, he pushed the button again! He either did not understand how the button works, or he DIDN’t TUST ME!

 

Rule #2: Do not trust strangers. The person who pushed the button before you is a STRANGER. Push it again Doubting Thomas!

 

Finally, the elevator arrived and all three of us boarded. As the door was closing, a man ran towards the lift’s car. Struggling to open it, he pressed the call button. He wanted badly to get in and he ignored the desperate call of the door to move back.

 

Rule #3: Force the elevator’s door. We have been raised on using force; the elevator is no exception!

 

The guy stood in front of me, staring at my un-brushed hair -- or was it at my boobs?! Without taking his eyes out of me, he came closer. His finger brushed against my hand and then my waist before it reached the floor button: It wasn’t actually a rape attempt. The guy has just realized that he didn’t press his floor button.

 

Rule #4: Push through riders to push the button and never ask someone else to push it for you. Use this situation as an excuse to touch girls and hope for a power failure.

 

The next day, I arrived first. I pushed the call button and waited. An old woman arrived with her son. They stood right at the door opening as if we were in a race and they wanted to gain some time advantage. When the elevator finally opened, it was loaded. The old woman and her son didn’t clear the door. They pushed through the crowd preventing people from getting off and boarded the car. (Women and children first, I agree, but this was one hell of a kid !)

 

Rule #5: Do not clear the door to let people exit. Attempt to board whatever it costs. It’s a matter of life or death!

 

On our way up, the elevator stopped on the third floor. A woman was standing there, with a surprised look on her face as if the doors of heaven just opened in front of her. She paused for a minute before she asked the one and only question: “Is this going up or down?” (Going down of course, dump people are not allowed in heaven... at least I hope!)

 

Rule #6: Ignore the indicator lamp. Ask riders of the car’s direction… Communication between human being is essential and technology is preventing it! Take matters into your hands.

 

I replied nervously that it was going up. She paused for another minute before she said wisely “ok fine, I’ll go up with you and then go down”!

 

Rule #7: Do not waste your time waiting for the elevator. Take the first lift regardless of its direction. We’ve spent 20 years in bathrooms during civil war. We still feel safe in confined spaces… Elevators are a great reminder and less crappy.

 

By the time we reached the ninth floor the elevator became crowded! It stopped at each of the floors and riders kept getting in and no one got out. We were on the edge of suffocating when a stubborn man at the ninth floor decided to board. I shouted at him; can’t he see that there is not enough room to swing a cat? He neglected my comment and boarded anyway! (It's weird, it usually works when I shout...)

 

Rule #8: Crowded Elevator? Board the elevator even if there is not enough room for you. Do not wait for your turn. You’ll take turns for breathing though if the power goes out.

 

On the third day, I arrived at the rush hour. As soon as I pushed the call button, the hallway became packed. Although I was standing nearest the door, a guy came past me and boarded first. (He should probably be one of these guys who knows someone who knows someone.)

 

Rule #9: Who’s on first? Neglect those standing nearest to the elevator. You always come first! Forget about the ladies first rule!

 

As usual, we were not alone; five other people joined us. It was almost nine (time for the power outage) and I was hoping we’d make it to the twelfth floor before then when a mid aged guy ran towards the elevator door. I was trying to reach the door close button when he sticked his foot, hand and briefcase in front of the closing door as if he was chasing someone!

 

Rule #10: Elevators are one of the very rare situations where pulling strings won’t work. So as always, when the situation goes out of hand, use force… or even heavy artillery.

 

And then we were seven… all of them standing facing each other… and staring. Certainly none of them considered his destination floor and it was a total lack of order each time one of them wanted to get off… Those who were going to a high floor stood near the exit while those who were getting off shortly stood towards the back. They looked so consumed by the person who is standing in front of them that most of them didn’t realize that they reached their floor. They looked surprised once I shouted the floor number. It echoed as if I was shouting a Bingo number or a roulette… They were all gambling indeed, risking their lives… being with me in the same lift!

 

Rule #11: Never allow space between you and the passengers. Get closer, let them feel your heat… Exercise your foreplay skills! Attempt a kiss if needed! Invade their space if need be!

 

Did I mention the conversations you witness during your elevator ride? There was some inappropriate ones about riders’ sex life, some loud ones when mothers chose to educate their children, some lewd jokes, offending topics, politics, etc.

 

Rule #12: Just remember, everybody cares about what you are saying, share your experience… If you reach your floor, do not cut off your conversation hold the door and continue talking. You may even start a conversation with a complete stranger. This is your chance to impress someone once! You can also cut in a conversation even if you’re not invited to join the discussion. 

Sing, hum and whistle… be at ease!

 

On the fourth day I boarded the elevator, with a couple. They were holding hands, looking normal until they started “displaying excessive affection”. Get a room people!

 

Rule #13: If you catch people in a compromising position, use the emergency stop button… and join the circus!

 

And one final rule… IF THESE RULES APPLY TO YOU, KINDLY DO NOT BOARD THE ELEVATOR WITH ME!