Five years ago, you needed a calendar to remind you of the seasons. Today, you just have to log on to Facebook to know that summer came to its end and the wedding season with it. Browsing some albums of friends who were either invited to weddings or getting married themselves; I couldn’t but notice how extravagant these celebrations have become. I wonder if Jesus was invited to one of these feasts, could he at least find water to turn into wine. Or would he feel obliged to turn Perrier into champagne?
Several albums later, I have learnt much on wedding trends but still needed more wine to digest them.

The date
The date should be carefully selected. Preferably in summer, the day, month and year should match (05/05/05; 06/06/06; 07/07/07; 08/08/08; 09/09/09). The good thing about it is that when planning your wedding, you are well aware of the dates to avoid because they’ll be overbooked. The bad thing is that starting 2013, they’ll have to settle for a new combination and compromise the date or die single. 

The venue
Apparently, whoever owns a plot of land, can easily become a millionaire by hosting outdoor wedding receptions on one condition: The name of the venue should scream French Bourgeoisie. Evidently, we succeeded in fighting the French mandate long time ago, but we couldn’t get their lavish lifestyle out of our system.

The menu
Previously, Lebanese food as a reception menu was not well tolerated. Apparently the Babaganooch and the whole Mezze would make you look gross. I was glad to notice that Lebanese cuisine is making a great comeback thanks to the ingenious idea of changing the name of the “Machawi” to “Barbecue” and defining the “Hummus” as dip just like guacamole. 

The church 
Another important venue to select is the church. Sadly, the concept of getting married in an indoor church has extinct. An outdoor ceremony guarantees prayers are said out, loud enough, to reach the ears of God... Moreover, somebody has spread the news that the more priests you get, the longer your marriage. A patriarch will make sure you reach your silver anniversary… For a lifelong marriage, try the Pope; he might get you to your diamond jubilee. 

The invitees
There are two kinds of invitees you should fear and avoid: Kids and Politicians. It has been dictated that marriages are meant for starting a family. Whoever said that did not mean straight away. So let’s stop pretending that jumping and screaming kids on the dance floor are adorable and cute; they’re brats!
As for politicians, they are particularly coveted by photographers. A family picture will quickly turn into a “find the intruder game”. At some point, some of them can get so consumed with the idea that they actually think they are the bride’s father and are even ready to walk her down the aisle. 

The wedding gown
Finding the right gown is as important as finding your soul mate. A Lebanese girl usually won’t wear anything made in Lebanon, not even socks. But on that special day, she’ll voluntarily settle for a Lebanese designer gown. Just for one day, international Vera Wang, Christian La Croix and Carolina Herrera, will be KO’d by any local couture designer or even my grandma’s old maid tailor… anybody who knows how to use a sewing machine, even if the final piece looks like a garbage bag or a Saint’s robe.
On her wedding day, a bride should be a princess! Maybe because it will be her last day before she starts doing laundry, cooking and cleaning…

The Photos
Photos are central to wedding celebrations and I strongly agree. They are the best way to eternalize the moment. However, most photographers take this opportunity to head hunt potential models. On her first photo shoot, the bride is asked to pose for portraits and profiles. She is then assigned awkward yet ridiculous tasks like playing with the veil, reading the groom’s card, faking a call, smelling a rose… You know you’ve succeeded your first assignment if your pictures are uploaded to the photographer’s website or if it’s hanging on his studio walls. If not, move on… this is where your career ends.

The decoration
Old-timer “simple is beautiful” has been altered and beauty no longer means sobriety and tastefulness but “Amazonian”. Floral decorations nowadays shriek: Welcome to the jungle, please try to find your seats between the bushes. 
Flower arrangements are huge and often made from tulips and orchids or any other freighted kind. Roses are outdated, carnations are cheap and daisies are questionable. I wonder: does cargo smell better? 

The groom’s bouquet 
Clearly, the bigger the bouquet, the more the love or… alternatively the money. It doesn’t matter if the bouquet will fade in the bride’s parents’ apartment while the newlyweds are honeymooning… All customs can be negotiated, not this one! Just send the damn bouquet and don’t think about its whereabouts after the wedding! 

The Zaffeh
Like anything else in Lebanon exposed to massive globalization, Zaffeh have suffered from severe mutations. Infected genes started showing Spanish, Hawaiian, Mexican and Brazilian symptoms. And what is left of the Lebanese Zaffeh genes is a dozen of guys wearing Timberland shoes and a bunch of girls exhibiting their bellies, dancing on Dabkeh music, probably remixed by Tiesto himself. 

The bride’s car
Getting married is not only about fulfilling your dream of marrying the one you love but trying to fulfill as much dreams as you can in one day… not necessarily yours, it could be anybody’s including your mother’s, father’s or aunts … On top of the list is driving or riding the car of your dream. Hummer limos, Bentleys, collection cars or even yachts top the lists. If churches had helipads, I am sure helicopters wouldn’t be spared. 

Fireworks 
No wonder that after 15 years of war, Lebanese miss the sound of explosions. To compensate, they set off fireworks every now and then especially during weddings as an explosive sign of joy and an entertainment for the crowds. It’s just a phase. Soon, they’ll go back to TNT and C4.

First Dance
After an extensive research on the roots of the first dance, I was relieved to discover that Lebanese did not invent it. But I am pretty sure that they were behind the creation of a stereotype list of songs that can be “first-danced” on (ie: You raise me up , Hero and Fly me to the moon) 
On the other hand, apart from Cinderella, no woman hadn’t got the chance to have a dance before she got married, however very few women will get the chance to have one after they get married. So wouldn’t be better if we would call it “last dance” and play some Metallica instead?

The honeymoon 
The best part of the honeymoon, - regardless of the destination, which often is the Far East countries, or the “romanticism” - is the gazing look on the bride’s aunts faces thinking she’ll be exploring something new, something that they actually miss themselves. 
I am sure that apart from the Thai massage, all things involved in the honeymoon are just a deja-vu. Couldn’t we at least save the honeymoon for later or offer it to one of the aunts that probably need it more than we do?