They say Lebanon has adopted the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights, yet in their quest to further demonstrate their exceptionalities, Lebanese have introduced major changes to the original declaration. Here’s how the Lebanese Declaration of Human Rights looks like:

Article 1.

“All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.”However, Lebanese are not “all human beings”.They are a best-of-breed species; they hold Phoenician genes that are still unknown to science till date. Freedom to them, means extreme behaviors and equality means superiority. As for the spirit of brotherhood, theirs was inspired by the Cain and Habeel model.

Article 2.

“Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, color,sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status. Furthermore, no distinction shall be made on the basis of the political, jurisdictional or international status ofthe country or territory to which a person belongs, whether it be independent,trust, non-self-governing or under any other limitation of sovereignty.” For Lebanese, religion shapes the future of individuals: The moment they are born, all Maronite are candidates for presidency, alternatively they aspire to become chief of the Lebanese Armed Forces. Shiia strive to be Speaker of the House and Sunni are potential Government Heads.

Article 4.

“No one shall be held in slavery or servitude; slavery and the slave trade shall be prohibited in all their forms,” except maids who should be locked in and should work 24/7. They should not be entitled to vacation days, are not allowed to call home or sit on the hosting family lunch table.

Article 6.

“Everyone has the right to recognition everywhere as a person before the law.” Only if there was an actual law to refer to or an incorruptible judiciary system.

Article 7.

“All are equal before the law and are entitled without any discrimination to equal protection of the law. All are entitled to equal protection against any discrimination in violation of this Declaration and against any incitement to such discrimination.” However in Lebanon, your political affiliation, public relations and power make the law.

Article 9.

“No one shall be subjected to arbitrary arrest, detention or exile.” Except those that “criticize” the President, the Mufti, the Patriarch and other leaders on Social Media.

Article 12.

“No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with hisprivacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honor and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.”  You private life is public and needs to be shared with all your acquaintances or else you will be good gossiping material. Your extended family has the full right to interfere in the slightest details of your life especially those related to your salary, home and children’s education.

Article 13.

“(1) Everyone has the right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each state.

(2) Everyone has the right to leave any country, including his own, and to return to his country.” (1) You are free to move but your neighbors and extended family need to know where you are going.  (2) When you leave the country, you’re often not planning to return.

Article 14.

“(1) Everyone has the right to seek and to enjoy in other countries asylum from persecution.” And when you come back, a parliamentary seat awaits you. Alternatively, you can stay there and still earn your salary if you’re a politician.  

Article 15.

“(1) Everyone has the right to a nationality.” Only, no one wants the Lebanese nationality.

(2) No one shall be arbitrarily deprived of his nationality nor denied the right to change his nationality.” Everyone is ready to give up their nationality if they are promised a European or American passport.

Article 16.

“(1) Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family.They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution.” They might be equal in marriages, but they are not in their wedding ceremonies’ spending.

Article 17.

“(1) Everyone has the right to own property alone as well as in association with others.”Everyone should have the right to buy a 300m2 apartment in Achrafieh or Ramleh Bayda and when failing to procure that, the government has to be blamed.

“(2) No one shall be arbitrarily deprived of his property.” But they have the right to sell their lands and houses to foreigners willingly, because they pay more and then blame the government for their greed.

Article 18.

“Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion; this right includes freedom to change his religion or belief, and freedom, either alone or in community with others and in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship and observance.”But veiled women should be frowned upon.

Article 19.

“Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression;this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek,receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.” But Lebanese are always right…and if you don’t agree with them,don’t talk to them!

Article 21.

“(1) Everyone has the right to take part in the government of his country, directly or through freely chosen representatives.” But rather taking part in the government they prefer to choose their representatives based on how much they pay for their votes.

“(2) Everyone has the right of equal access to public service in his country.” But they do not know what public service means and prefer everything that is “private” instead; it’s more chic!

“(3) The will of the people shall be the basis of the authorityof government; this will shall be expressed in periodic and genuine elections which shall be by universal and equal suffrage and shall be held by secret vote or by equivalent free voting procedures.” Everybody knows who do they vote for, it’s no secret and it’s their way of bragging.

Article 23.

“(1) Everyone has the right to work, to free choice of employment, to just and favorable conditions of work and to protection against unemployment.” But most of them prefer not to work and still get paid.

“(2) Everyone, without any discrimination, has the right to equal pay for equal work.” But each one of them feels he’s better than the other and thus has to earn more than the other.

Article 24.

“Everyone has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours and periodic holidays with pay.” Rest hours during working hours are more frequent than actual working hours.

Article 25.

“(1) Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food,clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control.” But they’d rather want the right to a superior standard of living which entitles them to have access to luxurious restaurants, all week-long partying in expensive clubs, the right to own the latest-technology phones, brand-name clothing and access to private hospitals – preferably AUH- rather than advocate for a good public healthcare system.

Article 26.

“(1) Everyone has the right to education. Education shall be free, at least in the elementary and fundamental stages. Elementary education shall be compulsory… (2) Education shall be directed to the full development oft he human personality and to the strengthening of respect for human rights and fundamental freedoms. It shall promote understanding, tolerance and friendship among all nations, racial or religious groups, and shall further the activities of the United Nations for the maintenance of peace.” But they prefer private universities and schools and instead of advocating for the restructuringof the Lebanese University, they advocate for lowering private universities’ tuition fees. In addition, universities are fertile grounds for political and sectarian fanaticism.  

Article 27.

“(1) Everyone has the right freely to participate in the cultural life of the community, to enjoy the arts and to share in scientific advancement and its benefits.” Cultural life is limited to Roof tops, Pubs and Clubs and  “posh” restaurants. Scientific advancement means plastic surgery.

Article 29.

“(1) Everyone has duties to the community in which alone the free and full development of his personality is possible.” Duties? Give me my rights first! Where is the government?

“(2) In the exercise of his rights and freedoms, everyone shall be subject only to such limitations as are determined by law solely for the purpose of securing due recognition and respect for the rights and freedoms of others and of meeting the just requirements of morality, public order and the general welfare in a democratic society.” There is no law, and the other who??? Is he Muslim? Christian? 14 March or 8?